Just moved to my new house. No internet connection yet. T.T

The night view is lovely though. And I get to practice my guitar more often. So yeah. All's well.

For now.

I slept.
But I didn't feel better.
I could hardly move
Could hardly carry myself
Could hardly walk on.
But I needed to get out of the house.

I drove to the park this morning.
Because I didn't know where else I could go.
Where else I could hide.
All I wanted to do
Was just curl up and hide
In the dark corner and pray
That Day never finds its way to where I am.
I just sat there in my car, lowered the seat,
Curled up into a ball and just laid there.
Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing how much more of this I can take.
Not knowing what life is for.
I cried.
I screamed silently.
As the car engine whirred quietly in the background.
Despair.
Ringing in the silence.
So loudly.
Walls closing in from every direction.
Pushing me closer to the edge.

Where can I run?
Where can I hide?
When I no longer wish to face all this?
I wish to seek solace in death.
But even that is not an easy road.
Do I really wish to die?
I just want my break.
From living this life.

I have come this far.
But what lies ahead
I can't see.

"People tell me that you are a good daughter, and sometimes I think that way too... But if you were to walk the wrong path in life, I would be very disappointed."

Whatever I do... no matter how well I do, no matter how hard I try my best to fulfill my responsibilities, in spite of Life throwing all these shit at me... doesn't make a difference... if I insist on not lying to myself and being who I am... Doesn't matter if I don't club or drink or smoke. Doesn't matter if I don't rebel and talk back. Doesn't matter if I do more than what people my age are doing. Doesn't matter if I tried so hard to go with the flow, its eating my sanity away, now.

Doesn't matter.

What is living for if you can't be who you want to be?
How can I fly if my wings are chained?

Nobody hears these desperate cries,
Silently emanating from within
Even if they do
They wouldn't understand
They wouldn't be able to accept it

I am crumbling inside
With every step I take
How long more can I hold up this facade?
How long more do I have to barter my momentary freedom and sanity with lies?

I don't wish to hurt anyone
I don't like confrontations
I am dying inside
But I can't stand up for what I want
Because the consequences might be too much for me.

If I am pushed over this edge,
Will I be able to fly?
Or will I fall?

Why

Why me

I feel so tired.

I don't want to have to face any of this anymore.

Which is why death seems so inviting.

'Sometimes your journey gets long, and you start to question yourself and all that you've become. Sometimes you spend your days and your nights, wondering why and if you'll ever ever be a piece.'
- Rise! (Vocal Mix) by Maverick & Tapesh feat. Terri B.

This song is alot more optimistic than it sounds, just that I chose to omit the few lines after that. It IS a house track after all.

Well, they say music heals your soul. I say maybe it does. Maybe. Because I do know for sure that I am surviving, living, (getting by) and music is one of the things in life that reminds me that I am still alive. That I am thankful for. As to whether it has healed my soul. I am not really sure.

My life at 20 (this year) may seem to have only just begun. I should be up and about running all over the place trying to put the pieces together for what would be the very foundation of my future. But instead, I find each year to become more and more tiring for me. Its not just the physical fatigue I am talking about. Its also the mental and emotional part at times.

I've fallen down on my knees, tired and weary, on these cobbled stones of Life many a time before this. But these days, I am not really sure if I would find the strength to pick myself up and get up on my feet again. Not sure if I would still want to keep walking. If I had the choice, I might have just chose to lay there and wait for time to end. For my time to end.

Because it is just that. Tiring.

And I know I am not exactly a very optimistic person to begin with, but it is saying something when you really wake up each day, wondering if you would live 'til your 21st birthday. Oops, I forgot, I should be thankful I managed to wake up in the first place!

I wonder why I always wake up.

Life is cruel.

It won't let you die in peace.

It won't let you live in peace either.

My friends said, that all that I have been through will make something out of me in the future and that without a doubt, I will be somebody because it is only right, given all that crap I have been through. I used to believe in that. I was driven by those thoughts once.

But right now. I just want to sleep.

Sleep.

For all eternity.

Sleep it all away.

The pains, the scars, the stress and the worries.

Sleep my life away.

I no longer wish to see the light breaking through the gray clouds on my horizon.

I no longer wish to climb this wall ahead of me.


Hello, Apathy.

Lynn  posted her opinions and views which literally bashed almost all the religions you would have heard of, living here in Malaysia, but that's fine by me. Obviously with such an 'interesting' and somewhat 'provoking' post, it would have solicited at the very least a volley of comment or two.

[I didn't think this was worth my time at first but since I hardly blog and it pisses me enough to blog about it is saying something.]

One of those who commented was her ex's (my high school mate) current bf. And being a Christian, yes he had the right to speak up and stand up for his religion, in which he did and he dropped a mighty long comment which you can view in the above link, I can't be arsed to post the link here. As though that comment alone wasn't enough, he sent a private message via email to Lynn. I read the email. It didn't offend me much. I am pretty used to all these preachy-share-the-gospel-come-into-the-light-let-god-shower-his-great-love-upon-you talks. I merely listen to them but I don't always agree with them and more often than not, these people actually come across as 'trying too hard to do what a Christian's gotta do' to me. You wanna talk about your religion, talk all you want, you have every right to. I will find God at my own pace, in my own time, in my own way, kthxbai.

So what really pissed me off was this part in the email (the only reason why Lynn actually bothered forwarding the email to me):

Nicole has had it tough too. Yeah she has a gf, but she's not happy. It shows.

WTF. OKAY. Now here is someone I know ,only by name through a high school mate, have never talked to, and has not seen in the past 2 and a half years and has only seen once, TRYING to read into my life based on what he has heard from his gf, said high school mate of mine, and his 'keen interest in reading/analysing other people'. =.=# That line came in out of nowhere in the middle of his long preachy email about how Lynn was being bitter and jaded and not all too happy and he could tell.

First things first, whether I am truly happy or not, is none of any body's business and especially not yours, mister, since I don't even know you personally and my happiness is none of your concern.

He doesn't know me. I don't know him. And he is certainly NOT a friend. He doesn't have the right to say whether I am happy or not. To act like you know someone inside out and to be so sure of it just by standing and looking from afar. Just spells huge-ass ego, IMHO. Whether I have a gf now or not, is irrelevant to decide my level of satisfaction with my life.

And the fact that that line came in midst of talks about god and religion, it feels almost as though he is trying to push the whole 'you-ain't-truly-happy-til-you're-a-christian' gimmick at your face again. This is why I dislike Christians who try too hard to 'share the gospel' with you because they 'care'. Yes, you mean well but there are other ways that don't make you look as uninviting as one of those door-to-door salesmen.

I have many religious Christian friends who are nice people, whom I have shared my life story with, who understand and accept me for who I am and do what real friends do, lend you an ear/shoulder when you need one, and none of them has ever done this sort of balderdash to me. Even as friends, you don't go about talking about another friend and about how he/she isn't truly happy. It feels fucking condescending. It IS condescending. No matter the intention. Its disrespectful as well. And I don't even know this person.

Everybody has their own paths to choose, and roads to walk. The least one should do is to respect that fact.

You have every right to be angry, upset, disappointed and hurt.

I am wrong for taking you for granted. For taking your love and well-intentions for granted. For giving you hope only to take it away when I did not feel like I was up for it. I am wrong for breaking my promises. For turning everything into a lie. I am wrong for not being able or willing to quell this restlessness.

I am sorry. I am sorry that all I can give you now are apologies that you would have every right to disregard.

Yes, your friends were right. You deserve way more. I have always thought that you deserved way more. Even now. I am sorry I gave you or made you have the impression that I was all that you needed and deserved or that I was even worth the wait. I was and has always been over-rated by you. But that is not your fault. You loved me too much to see me in the light of a mere mortal who is just as capable as anyone selfish enough to break somebody else's heart just so that they could do the things they want.

I am sorry that I can't do anything to make things better for you. I tried but it wasn't enough and it was all I could do within my means without feeling like I was being forced to do so.

I do not intend to dissociate myself from you forever. I was just hoping that we could let things heal and resume its equilibrium before we could really talk like friends again by asking for my own space and time. I am sorry that I hurt you that much by doing so. I just want you to know that I still do hope to be friends with you again sometime in the future, if you are willing and ready. If that is not too much to ask.

Yes, go forth and reach for that bright light ahead of you and shine as you always have, stronger than ever before in all that this world has to offer you, with that deep passion of yours that burn in flames of eternity. The world has a lot in store for you. Let Fate take your hand and lead the way to your true destiny.

It is definitely anywhere but here.

Would you rather I hold on to my promises?
If my heart's no longer in it?

If hearts were bound by promises,
Then where is the point in loving?
Or feeling for that matter?

Would you rather I be moral than be in love?
Would you rather I say that I am still here because of the promises I made?
Or just because I want to?

I am not trying to push the blame away by saying this but,
I am only human,
I can't control my heart,
I make promises so that I could try to keep them,
Not so that I could break them and break your heart later on.
Even if I have done so now, I am sorry, I have apologised many times and I shall apologise again,
But I want to get the record straight, I NEVER meant for things to turn out the way they did.

You are human, you are capable of feeling hurt,
I am also human, I make mistakes and my feelings are not exactly the epitome of permanence.
What you wanted was someone who could love you and be with you for all their life.
I am sorry I am not that person. And like I've told you many times before this, you deserve more, you deserve better. I am not as good a person as you first thought and I am sure you would have realised that by now.

I told you, but you refused to listen.

Maybe it is easier for you to move on this way. Just direct all your frustration, disappointment, anger and sadness at me. I AM the cause of all that anyway.

Once again,
I am sorry for not being who you expect me to be,
For not feeling what you want me to feel,
For not doing what you want me to do,
For not keeping the promises you expected me to keep.

But I would rather break a thousand promises,
Than to live a lie that is for all to see,
And make fools out of you and me.

I wish you well.